I mess up again. And again.
(Source: Microsoft Office image)
I lose it. I yell, and think some things in my mind and feel things in my heart that don’t get heard by anyone but God.
And I go to God and tell him and He is the place where I get the balanced view. He loves unconditionally, but He also speaks to my soul and conscience. He corrects, convicts, and comforts.
“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Samuel 16:7
I want a few days during Christmas break where I can stay home in my pajamas, all day if I want, and not go anywhere. But then I also want to get in my car and drive home, drink some sweet tea and feel warm breezes on my face, talk to my mom, and know that will cure this girl of her homesickness. But there is more I want, and none of the desires are attached to anything money can buy. I want to just rest for a while. I want… I want… it sounds so… selfish. But yes, I do. I want.
Then I remember.
“The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.” Psalm 23:1
I memorized that when I was 12. And when did I forget? That even in the busyness of the season, the travels, or my mess-ups– that I shall not want?
“I give you my heart-cup, Lord. Please fill it overflowing.”
The other day I tried to string some lights around a bush. It was a new string of lights. I bought them last year at an after-Christmas sale. And while stringing the bush, I dropped the strand on the driveway, and one of the lights shattered. Later, when I plugged the lights in, they didn’t work.
I was irritated. I bought this new set, and they ought to work. Furthermore, I had tiny shards of red glass to gingerly clean up.
Sometimes Often, I feel like that little red bulb. Broken.
Yet I know the truth– that there is no amount of brokenness that He can’t fix. God is always willing to make things new if I simply ask. I am reminded of his gift of grace again, through a tiny piece of red glass.
It’s when I am broken that He shines bright in me.
I give up on that bush and refuse to buy another string of lights. The lights on the Christmas tree, sparkling through the window, will have to do. It’s lovely to see houses glowing with lights, but this year, the decor will be simple.
And I’m ok with that, because this broken empty bulb has a light shining inside her, all year round.
Sharing with Emily at Imperfect Prose