Did you hear a court recently granted a university in Ohio the ability to trademark the word “THE”? It’s true! Here’s a link to the news story I’m referencing.
I did a double-take when I saw that news. How do you trademark the word “the”? The article that helps us define specifics in our writing, and distinguishable from “a” or “an”? Right? Using the word “the” is specific. It is definitely pointing to something particular, like “the sandwich”, as opposed to “a sandwich”.

(Image credits: Pixabay)

So for some light-hearted humor I wrote a little tiff on this news piece. It was a fun exercise! Had you heard this news? What do you think of my satirical piece? Drop a comment and let me know what you think!


The Articles “A” and “An” Have Been Filed for Trademark Protection: How Writers (and the™ World) Can Keep Up With the™ Latest Trademark Developments


Writer, do you have a[1] deadline looming? Not sure what words are trademarked?

A new app, aptly called TimelyTrademarks®, is scheduled for release next week (or next year, depending on how quickly the™[2] already trademarked words are approved), directly linking you to the™ latest news and updates on words and letters receiving trademark approval in Trademark News©.

You’ll receive breaking news such as, “The™ letters ‘a’ and ‘an’ have been filed for trademark protection.” No further information is available at this time, but we thought you should be aware of this new development. Thank you for your patience©.

Prepositions, such as “OF”, “IN” and “OUT” are also under review by the™ overworked and understaffed team at the™ U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. (Jobs can be found at the™ USPTO website, pleaseapplynow©™).

Writers, especially, are encouraged to apply©.

With the™ app, you will be privy to updates informing you when “Your article is under review©”, and consequently, “Congratulations, your article is approved, with the™ following changes,” (copyright currently pending on the aforementioned sentence).

You will also be informed, for example, that trademark applications have recently been filed for all the™ letters in the alphabet but “X”, “Q”, and “Z” will be processed first. The™ logic behind considering this particular trademark request first is that these are among the™ least used letters in the™ alphabet, thus utilizing the™ learning curve© with the™ least used letters to lessen any unintended consequences the™ Trademark Process© may cause.

The newly formed Trademark Word and Letter Office© will register the™ rest of the™ modern version of the™ Roman Alphabet© based on the™ frequency and usage of the™ letter in the™ U.S. language. Therefore, the™ letter “e” will be processed last. Thank you for your understanding.©™

Language scholars are working furiously around the™ clock to invent a new variation of our language, to avoid the™ potential financial burden of trademark and copyright fees, violations, and subsequent lawsuits this may cause. Experts and pundits predict a major communication disruption, which will be directly linked to the™ current global recession.

The™ only population least likely to be affected are those under the™ age of 24, who have been systematically developing communication methods using only a few consonants and vowels through recent years of vigorous texting and social media commenting. IYKYK. KWIM?

In fact, language experts may adopt said acronyms in an attempt to quell the™ impending financial crisis. (Poets, too, may be least affected, but are also among the™ poorest of writers, so it’s a wash.)

This article has already potentially violated 37 trademark and copyright laws. I have to cut my article short because I am seeking permission to use 62% of the™ words in this article; therefore, it could be 2023 before the™ entirety of this essay© will be fully available. Until then, this presently worded set of characters and letters is the™ abbreviated version© for your preview.

Remember to sign up for the™ TimelyTrademarks® app, and stay up-to-date on the™ latest news affecting you and your writing, and well, anyone who writes in any form or fashion.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.™©



[1] The™ article “a” is potentially a trademark violation; reader be advised.


[2] The Ohio State University wins trademark for the word “THE”. https://www.cnn.com/2022/06/23/us/ohio-state-university-trademarks-the/index.html